Blink Blink…
I’m probably the last person to read Malcolm Gladwell’s book “Blink” but I just finished it.
What interesting insights I have found in this book. So many examples of thin slicing, or gathering huge amounts of information and attempting to process it in a millisecond and make a snap judgement, or using your intuition and fine tuning it. It’s something that I’ve always been interested in as I try to follow my intuition on all aspects of life.
One of the most interesting topics came out of a discussion about thin slicing which was done by a researcher named John Gottman on couples and the ability to tell if couples were in trouble in their relationships. It was a classic example of fine tuning his thin slicing by cutting out the clutter of information and only focusing on the important ones, and then being able to make a snap judgement on that information.
Beware the Four Horsemen
Out of his research came something very remarkable to me. Gottman was able to determine four behaviors which will put a relationship substantially at risk. If one or both parties exhibit these traits in their interactions with each other, he is able to predict with chilling accuracy whether or not the couple will stay together.
These four behaviors are: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and contempt. Given their deathly effect on relationships, he has perhaps termed them accurately as The Four Horsemen.
After videotaping hundreds of couples, Gottman got really good at seeing the subtle and the overt actions and reactions each person has during a conversation topic, chosen to provoke some sort of discussion between the test subjects.
Certainly language and large body movements are easy to discern. But he was also able to catalog small and fleeting reactions – with the help of videotape, he and his researchers could zoom on in subtle facial expressions and see their contribution to the overall conversation. Sometimes, these reactions only last a few milliseconds, BUT our subconscious is able to pick up on these actions and we gain feelings about how the other person is receiving and understanding what we’re saying.
How many times have we been in a conversation with another person and as we talk about something, we get more and more uncomfortable about continuing what we’re saying because the person we’re talking to doesn’t seem to be listening, or validating, or making us feel good, or maybe even showing subtle signs of….contempt.
The Big Daddy Horseman
According to Gottman, defensiveness, stonewalling, and criticism are all important destructors of a relationship. However, the one that stands out above all the rest in tanking a relationship is contempt. While criticism is a global denigration of character and certainly in its destructive form very harmful, but doing it from a superior level where you make someone feel inferior for what they are saying or what they have done really takes the cake.
Think about those times when you’ve said something, and then the other person laughs in disbelief. Or when you tell them you would like to do something and they roll their eyes, or their tone of voice shifts to one of ridicule. How did you feel?
Sometimes the reactions can be very subtle, as Gottman found out and you may not even be able to articulate what exactly happens. BUT, your subconscious knows and you start to gain feelings that the other person is disrespecting you for what you’re saying.
It was a remarkable chapter that resonated hugely with me. It reinforces my desire to continually fine tune my ability to thin slice and interpret my intuition, and *especially* as I gain insight into how my internal feelings develop during my interactions with other people…
For you brainy people, read more about research from the Gottman Institute.